UN/BELOVED, UN/LUCKY
may fortune favor the victor, the outcome is the only truth
TW: internalized transphobia, familial abuse
LUCKY: they say that fortune favors the bold.
if that's so true, then why am I so afraid of telling her how I feel.
LUCKY: they say that I have fortune's favor.
others say I'm a fraud and a fake. BECAUSE I'M A 伝説 (DENSETSU), a legend. at least in the mahjong circuit. since I was twelve.
I'm a god-child borne of envy who once bore it with rage.AND THEN MY MOTHER TOLD ME: if you are angry like this, no one will ever love you.
心を殺した。I KILLED MY HEART.
now I am just a man who feels no particular attachment to the term. wishing and dreaming of a girl that doesn't want to be one and praying she'll shed her distrust, her snakeskin, her clothes.and that she'll let me into her bed to show her how good I can be, and how much a violenceless, rageless man I am, to show her that I did not turn out like my father who my mother always forgave (SHE HAD NO CHOICE) instead of me, who turned out too much like him and not obedient in the right way, like the daughter she wanted to be her ally and her alternate (HER ALTERNATIVE TARGET), so instead she just had me, my father's son.until she had my brother the innocent. who cried instead of fought back. who even my father was soft on. AND COULD SEE "THE GOOD" IN.but because I was angry,
everything I didamounted to sin.
FORGIVENESS IS AN UNWARRANTED GIFT (AND A REGRET THAT CAN'T BEAR MENTIONING)
THE LUCKY HOUND OF SATURN IS THE NEW LORD OF NOTHING
UN/BELOVED, UN/LUCKY
心を殺した。I KILLED MY HEART.
MAO: lucky, not to be rude but, you know what, actually completely to be rude: aside from the fact you're not COMPLETELY hideous, you have no excuse to be, idk, looking at me. like, you know, THAT.
MAO: YOU SAY THAT LIKE I'M EVIL!! I'M NOT!! I'M JUST... particular. also thank you. also fuck you. (blushes) YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO, TO LOOK AT ME LIKE, IDK, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR LOSER VIRGINITY. I'm a MAN, lucky.
MAO's face grows extremely cold, her eyes darkening with fever rage and ugly desire and a deep violet-blue ultraviolet violence.
MAO: who was your first? they say you never forget your first. fuck. FUCK. (under her breath) it should have been me. everything, all of it should have been me.whatever, like. WHATEVER, I was the one bitching at you to get laid, what's fucking wrong with me that I'm angry you already have. lmao.
LUCKY: like what, mao-chan? I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific. also, your hair looks nice today. like maybe you washed it in the blood of some innocents or whatever.
LUCKY: I'm not a virgin in the common sense of the word, but it's true I'm a virgin in the sense I've never had sex in like, a Relationship, i.e. wanted it, so like... I am TECHNICALLY a Relationship Virgin. extra virgin olive oil.
LUCKY: hey. even though I'm 27, I've never been in a Relationship. you could be my first, mao-chan.
MAO: you joke all the time about me being your girlfriend but I'm a Fucking Man, that's how I was born and that's the only way I can be or stay, there's no Fucking way I'll be a tranny fag, even if I fucking despise it, I was born a man and that's how I have to stay and there's Nothing I can do about it until the end of days and maybe in the next reincarnation cycle I can be a girl but in this one the best I can be is an ugly whore.also lucky your shoe's untied and you're going to eat shit and die. tie your fucking shoes you loser.
MAO: what else would you be, serious? YEAH, RIGHT. I'm not stupid, lucky. you're, like. EVEN IF I WAS STUPID, I'M NOT SO STUPID to think that you were anything but the straightest straight man alive. Just Look At You.ripped jeans, a flannel, a faded t-shirt, sneakers, the only faggy thing about you is your stupid long hair but you have it in the guy-style where it's all. idk. guy-like. it's not a feminine cut at all.YOU EVEN SMELL (GOD FORBID) like a really good man. like, your cologne is a weirdly expensive (FOR YOUR CHEAPSKATE ASS!) orange peel and anise and bergamot and bourbon. it's really good.UH, NOT THAT I'M SPENDING ALL MY TIME SMELLING YOU OR THINKING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOU SMELL.I ONLY SPEND A LITTLE TIME DOING THAT OK. a normal masculine amount of time thinking about how good my guy best friend smells. as another guy. from man to man.
LUCKY: (tying his shoes, putting a hand on her back to guide her to the side as a runner passes them on the cross country park trails)do you think I'm joking?
LUCKY: hey, mao.do you know anything about my parents?